Old Facebook Crap

I'm going to remove all the facebook postings...here's what I had there before

Activities:
"Education is the property of no one; it belongs to the people as a whole. And if education is not given to the people, they will have to take it."
Interests:
Flying (Aviation), Singing, Fine Arts, Composing music, Mixology, Learning new skills, Graphic design, food, cooking, technology, teaching my guts out for some pretty cool kids.
Favorite Music:
Nearly every genre. Paramore, Mae, David Bazan, Switchfoot, Headphones, Jack Johnson, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Fray, Death Cab For Cutie, John Mayer, Timbaland, One Republic, David Crowder Band, Pedro the Lion, Evanescence, Radiohead, Coldplay, Billie Holiday, Mat Kearney, Journey, The Killers, Frank Sinatra, Modest Mouse, The Raconteurs, Morrissey, Kanye West, Black Eyed Peas, Nirvana, Oasis, M.i.a., Michael Buble, U2, Nickelback, The Cranberries, Nelly Furtado, Sara Bareilles, Norah Jones, Weezer, Jason Mraz, Lenny Kravitz, Linkin Park, Chris Brown, Norah Jones, Gavin Rossdale, Barenaked Ladies, Rascal Flatts, Blue October, Foo Fighters, Goo Goo Dolls, Beck, Aerosmith, Pink, Franz Ferdinand, and many more!
Favorite TV Shows:
24, House, The Office, Family Guy, the Singing Bee (My Sister's Show...now, R.I.P.), Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, Scrubs, Heroes (Season 1, not 2), Star Trek: Voyager, Star Trek: Enterprise, Pushing Daisies, Chuck
Favorite Movies:
One Six Right, Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, War Games, The Truman Show, Back to the Future Trilogy, Star Trek: Nemesis, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Atonement, Ghost Town, Die Hard (All), Spiderman, Batman Returns, Batman Begins, Swingers, Truman Show, The Last King of Scotland, Street Kings, Hitch, Monty Python Search for the Holy Grail, Return to Me, I Am Legend, Vantage Point, Pirates of Silicon Valley, War Games
Favorite Books:
The Raggamuffin Gospel, Marley And Me, Velvet Elvis, Wide Awake, An Unstoppable Force, Freakonomics, Outliers
Favorite Quotations:
"Hi...my name is Jay R Aguda, and I'm a victim of the modern, institutionalized Christian church..." -me"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful, beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous"? Actually,who are you not to be? You are a child of God, your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking, so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just some of us, it's in everyone. As we let our own light shine, then we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~Marianne Williamson"I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory." - 1 Peter 1:6-7"My...aren't you SAUCY?!" - The BEN FRANKLIN impersonator on THE OFFICE."Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right." - Mahatma Ghandi"God creates out of nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners." - Søren Kierkegaard"The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have. " - Søren Kierkegaard"There's Passion in the Creativity." - Prof of Science Education, UCLA"We are not human beings having a Spiritual experience, we are Spiritual beings having a human experience.""He's not safe, but He's Good" - C.S. Lewis"It's reefer, you don't want none of this sh*t, dewey." - Tim Meadows as drummer in Walk Hard"To thine own self be true." - William Shakespeare (Polonius' advice to Laertes in Hamlet)"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein"Oh, I don't reject your Christ. I love your Christ. It's just that so many of you Christians are so unlike your Christ." - Ghandi"The greatest enemy to the movement of Jesus Christ is Christianity." - Erwin McManus"The Christian walk is not so much about what's a specific sin as it is more about moral compass [being aligned to God's plan for your life]" - Erwin McManus (brackets, mine)"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.Living one day at a time; Enjoying one m
About Me:
Creativity is the natural result of Spirituality.

25 PIECES OF ME

Once you've been tagged you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under the tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) Then click publish.

1. I share the same birthday as my mother. I like to say that I’m her best birthday present. She agrees.

2. I was our high school valedictorian. Delano High School class of ’98.

3. One of my biggest fears as a teenager was playing a sport in front of people, especially those involving catching a ball. This fear still lingers somewhat today.

4. I was 25 when I had my first-ever alcoholic drink. It was a Mike’s Hard Lemonade…thanks Jodie.

5. I weighed 200 pounds at age 15.

6. I was the best youth pastor Faith Tabernacle has ever known…for over 9 amazing years I helped teenagers make sense of their faith in God as it relates to their world. Dang, I miss those kids…it all ended so prematurely, abruptly and painfully.

7. I’m left handed…for the following activities: Writing and Eating. For everything else, I prefer my right hand.

8. My first computer (at age 9) was a Packard Bell 386SX (Yes, ~25MHz of wonderful computing power) computer running none other than DOS. It had no mouse and the only software it ran for a month was BASIC. Needless to say, I performed a bunch of covert upgrades to it—some of which included an unauthorized opening of the chassis to insert a “game-card” into one of the expansion slots so that I can play a cool 8-bit MS Flight Simulator Game with a JoyStick, much to the chagrin of my dad who nearly killed me because I could’ve destroyed his $2.5k computer. Hahaha.

9. My dad named me after himself and his hometown in Claveria, Cagayan, Philippines. (Hence the name NARCISO CLAVERIA deCastro Aguda, Jr.) I used to hate that I was named after a city growing up, but now I consider it an absolute honor to know that I represent my dad’s fondest memories.

10. I earned my Pilot’s License in June of 2007.

11. I’m allergic to many things, including Salmon, which up until I was 16, was my favorite seafood.

12. I co-own timeshares in Las Vegas, 1 in Utah, several in Cali, 1 in Los Cabos, Mexico, and 1 in the suburbs of Paris, France.

13. I was part of a Christian Pop/Rap group in High School called “One Way Crew.” Don’t ask for any recordings. And no, I didn’t rap.

14. I enjoy the smell of incense, especially the kind burned in a Catholic Church during Christmas and Easter high mass.

15. I can understand Tagalog adequately, but have never been fluent in speaking it. I even took Tagalog classes in college…didn’t work.

16. I teach in South Central Los Angeles.

17. I’m dreadfully fearful of confrontations.

18. I love Disneyland. My inner child comes out here without being judged.

19. I lost my dad to Leukemia and myelodisplasia on December 2, 2007.

20. “JR” is a nickname for “Jr.” and is actually spelled in great, Filipino fashion, “Jay-R” (note the hyphen. If it’s missing, people have been misled to think my name is “Jay” with the middle initial “R.” – So many people call me “Jay”, including Facebook.)

21. I have a degree in Physiological Science, Minor in Neuroscience and a Master's in Education.

22. I was a big, f-ing jerk a lot of times to my sister when we were kids, and a few occasions in High School, but today we are the best of friends.

23. I’m constantly looking for awe in the mundane.

24. I’m sappy when it comes to romantic films, dramas, and inspirational films… I’ve been known to get very misty sometimes…there, I said it…happy? ☺

25. It’s very, very hard for me to hate someone…but don’t push it ☺

Put your hand way up high, we will never say Bye.

Today, marks 1 year

1 year since I last saw my dad alive.

1 year since I never knew I could hurt like this.

1 year since my world seemed to come crashing down.

1 year since the longest day of my life.

1 year since the worst day of my life.

1 year since I lost my dad...and my friend.

This morning almost felt like the morning of Dec 2, 2007. Cold. Foggy. Empty. I drove to school this morning as I've done many times the past months since his death. It felt kind of "normal" today. I knew it was Dad's death anniversary, but it was very "normal."

I played "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flats on my iPod while on the way to work. I remember sitting near Dad with that little refrain running through my head over and over again ("What hurts the most, is that you're so close...") It haunted me--ate away every little hope that he would make it through this crazy ordeal.

I decided to honor my dad in all my classes today by showing the tribute video that Ferlay came up with. As I watched that video again, I really felt like crying. I relived each memory in the span of 3 seconds each as each picture came up:

Chicago: Dad and Ferlay at the Museum randomly posing for a shot.

June 2006: I graduate with a Masters, and though I didn't drink yet, I got a picture with Dad--we were both holding champagne glasses.

Dad and Mom's 25th anniversary: Father-Daughter dance

Christmases in the GREEN HOUSE: our first home. Ferlay in her Onesie by the fireplace and dad reaching over to make sure she didn't fall.

Perkos: Dad loved to go there and have their catfish or their tri tip

I also had students reflect and blog about their own losses and tragedies. Here are a few that caught my heart:

i have lost my grandpa and grandma.i love them soo much you know.why do they have to leave us.my grandpa was funny he always had a smile that could make you laugh.i dont like thinking about my grandparents it sad. (Ismael, age 14)

WELL I LOST ALOT OF PEOPLE THROUGH THE COURSE OF LIFE. FAMILY WHO I NEVER MET. I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO MEET THEM AND SADLY THATS THE THING THAT HURTS THE MOST, ITS THE MOST FUCKED UP FEELING WHEN SOMEONE YOU CARE FOR PASSES AWAY. FOR A MINUTE YOU JUST SIT THERE AND TRIP OUT ON HOW THIS PERSON WAS AND YOU JUST CANT BELIEVE THEYRE NOW GONE. I LOST MY LITTLE COUSIN ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. IT WAS THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I HAD TO LIVE WITH. FOR I GET TO KEEP LIVING AFTER 16 YEARS AND YET HE WHO HAD ONLY BUT 2 MONTHS LIVING IN THIS WORLD WAS RIPPED AWAY FROM US. I FELT LIKE SHIT AT THIS MOMENT AND 3 WEEKS LATER HIS MOM PASSED AWAY. SO ITS UNEXPLAINABLE HOW I FEEL. CUX SHE LEFT BEING A 11 YEAR OLD BOY AND A DRUNK(WHO DOESNT TAKE CARE OF THIS KID). I GUESS IF I WERE TO FEEL AN EMOTION IT WOULD BE ANGER FOR I KANT DO NOTHING TO CHANGE THIS (Ismael, age 17)

the closest person to me that ive lost is my brother.he was only 18 years old when he was shot and killed during a drive-by shooting.this happened on feb 10,2002.it was the worst feeling ive ever felt!at first when it happened i wasnt aware of what was going on.i was too stupid and little to understand.but then i saw my brother on the floor damped with blood,thats when it hit me!he was dead..!!! :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:( (Dianee, age 17)

-I have sadly lost my baby sister. She died when she was in my mother's belly. I was like 6 years old and all I remember is my mom crying and panicking when she found out she had lost the baby. That day was really sad and everytime I think about her tears come to my eyes. It realy sucks to know that someone that was supposed to maybe make a great difference in your family passed away. It sucks more to know that a really super close relative has passed away and you never got the chance to see her growing up. (Erika, age 14)

I have lost many people this year and last year. I have lost in those two years 18 people in my moms side of the family. The sad part is that half of them i didnt really know them. But the 3 people that affected me most was my aunt & her son, and my great grandmother. My aunt died with her son in a car accident. My aunt was going tomy uncles funeral, her dad. She was returning hom and a truck hit them.. My little cousin her son was in her lap beacuse their wasnt a lot of seats. So the truck hit them and they were the only ones that died. And recently my aunt had also lost her husband. I had met them before, but i didnt know them a lt. But I felt so bad, I felt terrible. My great grandmothers death affected me a lot to beacuse i would dream about meeting her one day, but I nevr had the chance to meet her. She was a greta part of the family she was 101.. She had died and I remember me and my cousin wore black for a month. ANd we didnt eat just trying to give her respect. But I cry until today knowing that I would never have the chance to meet such a great person. Nayelly - age 14

I have lost someone acshually i have lost alot of peaple i loved in the past three to four years but i had two that hurt the most. whitch where my brother and my dad. My brother died three years ago. Well i had lots of fun with my brother, he was the best and will always be the best in my heart but the thing ws that my brother went under depretion he ask for help but evryone steped out of his life, i tryed so hard to help him but one person i guess was not enough. i feel guilty for that! when that happend, when they tolled me i felt like if they just had ripped my heart out i didnt go to school. i started messing up and doing all kinds of stupid shiet. My mom helped me go through that, i kinda got better but i was still messing up. Than bame last year on novermber the 9th my dad past away, he had barne tumer than it bacame cancer, my father had been dieing slowly but they had tolled me that he had been recovering that he was doing amazing because he satarted to walk and not alusinate. So went to where he was living at to go visit him that swhen he was still good but than it was time for me and my brother to come home
it was the day befor my birthday that i had to say good bye to him and that point i didnt know if it was forever or if i was gonna be able to see him again or if i was gonna be able to talk to him again. I tolled him i loved him and always will. The next day we where about to leave and my auntie receved a phone call that my dad had not waken up that he was in the hospital at that point i felt so sad i didnt know what to do but we where late for the air port so where not able to stay but he past that he did not pass away that day. he still lived for one more of his birthdays and past away the month after.He lived to age 51 and my brother lived to age 21! Lety - age 14

Such tragedy. Such pain. I know I was supposed to play the "teacher" role, but I couldn't help but feel anger and all this emotion bottled up inside. As I passed each student, I gave them credit for their work and I just wanted to give a hug to each and every one of them. I was angry that many of them had experienced such tragedy and such pain. Just thinking about their stories again this evening makes me sad.

Death is so...final. It, as many of my students so eloquently put it, sucks. What hurts the most is the finality of it--and that we, as humans, can do nothing to change it.

Powerless to change it. Powerless to change the fact that all of your hopes and plans have been dashed to pieces.

I remember the day my world started to fall apart. I knew there was bad news coming. Mom called me sometime in October. "We need to talk," she said, "make sure you and Ferlay come down this weekend."

I knew it was about dad. Dad had been in the hospital and was recently discharged. He went to his PCP for a check up as to what's been going on with his health.

"But mom, can't we talk over the phone?"

"We'll talk about it Friday."

I remember going through hours of anxiety -- The weekend seemed so FAR away. But as the weekend approached, I didn't want to go home.

My sister and I packed and got ready to go to Delano as we always did. I remember taking the LONG way to Delano. We went through to the 126 towards Ventura, then over the mountains near Santa Rosa. What was normally a 2 hour trip ended up being a 5 hour, postpone the inevitable trip. We both knew it was going to be some bad news.

We finally got home...and that's when it all changed for me.

"Your dad has leukemia....he's going to start treatment in November."

There was so much talk--I was completely speechless. I wanted to tell him so much...I wanted to ask so many questions, but I remember not being able to say a word. I remember being so scared. I remember feeling powerless and suffocating.

and I remember these words from my dad's mouth...except they were in Tagalog..."We have so many plans still..."

"So many plans still..." A glimmer of hope to hold on to.

It made sense that God wasn't going to allow this to take a downward turn to tragedy...we had so many plans still. We were going to buy a new house. Dad and my relationship was getting better, especially as I was beginning to come to grips with my identity through counseling. We were going to Rome in 2 months. Dad and I were going to work on my financial portfolio. Dad and mom were going to retire within the next 5 years. Ferlay just graduated. I had a career. We were all turning a page to a new chapter of life. It was all smooth sailing from here on out.

It just totally made sense according to my script that God wouldn't let us down with this one and he was going to pull through. So amidst all my fears, I kinda "gave it up to God."

But things didn't happen exactly as I had wanted to. Things turned quickly and I remember 2 weeks before thanksgiving, Dad and mom came to visit us at Ferlay's apt. I hugged my dad and he was all bones. In a fucking matter of 2 weeks! 2 weeks before that he was walking, eating, normal. 2 weeks later...he looked and felt like my grandfather at age 82. What the hell, God? This isn't happening...you are going to pull through right?

I remember Dan and Maricela driving me home that night and dropping me off at the church apartment. I just CRIED and SCREAMED when I got home. "I don't know what to do"

A month later: Thanksgiving 2007 was one of the most difficult thanksgivings I'd ever gone through. My dad was bedridden. Completely weak. I cleaned up after my dad for the first time--changed his diaper and cleaned him up!!!!!!!! I remember how traumatic that was for me. Family Drama. Blame Games. Mom Stressed out. More bad medical news. Dad back in the hospital...ugh....

"Your Dad lost 5 units of blood due to his condition, we're giving him 5 units infusion...and I agreed with the doctor that it's time to get started on the Chemo. It's dad's second session at Comprehensive Cancer Center...come down this weekend."

"I'll be down Thursday after Parent conferences...I'll take friday off."

November 29, 2007 6:30 PM -- Finally done with Parent Conferences. Long day. Time to check on daddy.

"Hey, we're at the hospital with Dad...we're giving him more blood. meet us here."

"How'd chemo go?"

"He still has the chills, but he seems to be doing ok...."

"Me and Ferlay are going home...stay the night with Dad for the transfusion."

"Ok, I will."

"Tell them to hurry up and give me the blood so we can go home."

"Yeah I know, Dad. They're really understaffed. They'll get to it. I'm here, just go back to sleep."

He seemed so weak and tired that night

Since we were going to stay the night, they wheeled dad into his own private room...and gave me a cot.

I was going to talk to him about some loan docs, but he didn't look up to it...so I put them away and began writing my lesson plans for the sub.

"Let me know if you need anything, Dad."

I finally went to sleep. The cot was so uncomfortable...I remember dozing off, but having to reposition myself to get back to sleep.

Dad was breathing heavily, but I didn't think anything of it. The nurse came to take vitals ever so often. They hung the transfusion.

Somewhere around 3 am. Dad sounded like he was heaving. Nurse comes in...

I fall back to sleep

Somewhere around 4 am. Nurse comes in and checks his lungs with a stethoscope. "Moisture" she says to herself. I think nothing of it. Back to sleep.

I had no idea at that moment, my dad's lungs were being infiltrated by bacteria and because of the chemotherapy, his immune system was compromised and that the next 2 days were going to be the longest, and worst 2 days of my life.

The next 2 days were a blur. I recall alot of it still. I remember that he so wanted to speak to us...but he had that Goddamned intubation tube down his fucking throat.

As I write, I'm thinking to myself...why the fuck are you writing about this tragedy. Shouldn't you be recalling the memories of his life? I don't know. There is no SHOULD here. I just feel like reliving these memories brings me back to that day and makes the reality of my dad so much more real.

I remember hanging onto the little strand of hope I had for my dad's recovery...even after hearing that my Dad was probably DIC...had multi-organ failure, there was no output (Kidney failure), Dad was seizing, ICU nurses kept trying to do what his body couldn't do--(Keep him from going septic by giving him Bicarbonate, boost of Calcium, etc. Morphine...FUCK...it was so goddamned midieval shit. I remember looking all of this stuff up on my internet phone...I had no idea what they were talking about sometimes...Suctioning his blood from his nose and his mouth...that was so traumatic.

All of this craziness was going on...and there were moments of just quiet and me and ferlay and mom talking to dad as if he could listen (maybe?). Constantly telling him we loved him and how amazing a dad he was.

Dec 2, 2007: 5ish. Blood pressure drops. Pulse drops to 42.

"Manang, should I give him atropine?"

"No more," Mom said reluctantly.

"32"

"15"

"5"

"ASYSTOLE"

Silence. Constant crying. It was over. It was over.

The machine was still breathing for him...but his heart finally stopped. He was gone.

and I remembered "But we have so many plans...."

and I remember that now...and it still doesn't make any sense to me at all.

I guess that's why it's called tragedy.

And that's life.

I'll end this blog with the little talk I gave my advanced tech class after the film and after they had reflected on their losses.

Life is a constant tension between beauty and tragedy. I'm in a room with so many stories of tragedy. I'm also in a room with so many stories of success and beauty. And that's life. It's easy to see the beauty in the beauty...that's what it is...beautiful...it's so difficult to see the beauty in the tragedy. That usually takes time. It's been a year now since my dad passed and as I relive that awful, tragic day...I can't help but say that it was definitely tragic and awful, and the worst day of my life...but now as I look back, through the tragedy arose hope, love, and some amazing memories that are kept alive today. and that's what it means to be human. That even from the tragedy we can draw strength. You and I, we might be different ages, and you might be students and I might be your teacher...but we're both human...and we both experience Life. Part of maturing is beginning to come to grips with the tragedy, allowing time to heal you, and noticing, slowly, the little bits of beauty that can be found in your traumatic experience. And part of being human is having times like these where we can share these stories--and know that we're not the only ones who have felt this way. Keep the memories alive...because that's the beauty in tragedy.

I'm sitting here trying to type with all the tears. This was definitely therapeutic.

I miss my dad so much right now. He was the greatest man I knew...I can say that for sure. He deserved none of the pain he went through. He was the most loving, compassionate, and sacrificing man I knew. I know my dad is in heaven now...it's the blessed hope we all have..and someday I'll be reunited with him. I can't wait for that day.

But the feelings are so mixed, so complicated...hope, hurt, regret, love, memories... Mariah Carey puts it wonderfully in her song BYE BYE

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And it's true that you've reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

[Chorus]

(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

[Chorus]

Rest In Peace, Daddy
Narciso P. Aguda
Jan 1, 1940 - Dec 2, 2007

Happy 26th Birthday, Ferlay!

Happy Birthday to my one and only sister! :)

I love you! This birthday brings tons of bittersweet memories and is also your first birthday without Dad. Things have and are tough right now, but I'm confident we'll make it through if we dream wide awake.

Have a great day today, Ferlay and know that I love you and am very proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Chin up.

You're always dad's special angel...he'd be so proud of you!

You Are My Special Angel